It Is All A Blur

It Is All A Blur

I remember the day after we quarreled. The first time you made me question my value, something that before, since I met you, I have never questioned it; it got my thoughts worked up. I think when someone hurts you, you don’t have to ask yourself why they did it or what they found in another person. Most of the time, you will ask yourself what did I do? Is there anything I didn’t do? If not all, then let me speak for myself.

Of late such thoughts still cross my mind, and sometimes I wonder if I am being too available for you, or too considerate towards you that you end up taking advantage of that. Sometimes I want to stop fighting, and sit down, and see what you are capable of doing to fight for us, but I find myself fighting again, making you all comfortable and I still can’t talk about it.

I wont lie, various occasions you’ve inquired as to whether I am alright, however never have you at any point inquired as to whether I am happy, or in case there is something you are doing that is wrong, or in case there’s something you can do to make me smile, or then again in case there is a way you can make it up for me and stay consistent with your words.

Would it be a good idea for me to scrutinize the manner in which my mama raised me to disregard things that you know may hurt you? Since I in some cases need to pose a great deal of inquiries, however sometimes I am reluctant to, on the grounds that the appropriate responses may hurt me or you may close me down. Questions? What questions Mellan? You may inquire. I realize more than you may consider, similar to the manner in which you actually ache for a hook up, the manner in which you depict yourself as lonely, as if you have no one in your life who makes an honest effort to make you happy. I realize that you hunger for that attention that I once gave you when we were getting to know more about each other from someone else. I realize you actually converse with them, make them insane with your voice and charisma, something that I long for everyday however don’t get an opportunity to.

I know they know you are single, I surmise that is the reason I don’t know much about your friends, and cover me with those untruths that you are an lone wolf. I know what you are doing, and it eats me each and every day. I once let you know that I disdain pretenders, however thinking back, I am one of those pretenders. Since behind that young lady who grins a ton: the grin that you say you love, lies a young lady whom you hurt each and every day, hanging tight for the day she will wipe the slate clean with all that is going on, and perhaps, quite possibly, it will hurt somewhat less.

Leave then, at that point! Leave him! My friends will say. In any case, I am still here, I realize you are asking why I am still here. For the first time ever, let me offer you that response, I am still here, on the grounds that I actually have trust, that better days will come. What’s more, one day you will show the world that you are the most fortunate man on this world for having me by your side.

Be that as it may, imagine a scenario in which it turns the alternate way round. Indeed, I wont say the world had different plans, however I’ll say YOU had different plans for us. In the end, I know I have made up my mind that it is you that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I cant speak for you though, but if you ask me what my thoughts are about this, then I’d say, “You are not ready to spend the rest of your life with me.” And I am not hopping into conclusions, you are the one giving me reasons to think like that, since, in such a case that you weren’t, I wouldn’t have composed this article in any case.

I would prefer not to awaken with another man besides me, I need it to be simply you. I couldn’t say whether you feel something similar? Be that as it may, assuming you don’t, and you simply need to “enjoy life”, I’ll let you be, however I won’t guarantee I’ll sit tight for you, since first, it was clear you didn’t want to wait for me, and second, the last thing I’ll ever think of doing to you is take away your freedom.

Then, what do you want Mellan? All I want is to feel like I am the only one in your life. Stop entertaining them, stop luring them in your trap, because right now I feel like, I was stupid enough to be caught in your trap, and now you are looking for others like me.

Goodness! By the way, I coincidentally found one discussion that truly caught my eyes. You told this young lady your qualities of an ideal girlfriend, and it truly broke me into pieces, since all that you expressed wasn’t me. It made me wonder who am I to you, at that point? It is all a blur.

Please, if you ever feel like going back to that road where I don’t exist, do tell me, because I don’t want to carry all these pain, don’t give me the impression that it is me that you want but it them that you want, at least be considerate, like I have always, at least when I leave, I’ll appreciate that you were straight forward and you wanted to protect me.

Before I go, Just know, the ball is in your court.


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